Los Angeles 2010: I Fully Exist

My poems

took me my entire life to produce.

The stories I tell 
are non-scripted 

aberrations 
of time, travel and tension.

My earlier work was violent, 

absurd, non-linear and sad.

Lesions oozing 
from the world 
of stirred realities 

and confused illusions,

I never knew 
which was which …

but I always felt 
every breath deeply 

and every tear dramatically –

that is when I could cry…

most times my eyes 
were blind and dry –

I had seen and given, 
too much of myself

to produce any more 
expendable moisture 
of any kind.

I gave away my Soul 

each moment, 
while creating the art 
of my living.

I gave away 
my Soul, 

performing 
for the masses, 
of undesiring 
audiences.

I no longer stand 
on window ledges 

and rooftops watching 
pedestrians,

shouting out to them, 

at them 

or with them…

Nor do I write 
anymore of wounds

to perpetuate 
the violent complexity 

of my inner struggle,

and defeated Self-esteem.

I no longer 
bang my head 

against walls, 
sidewalks 
or doorways 
to the unknown.

I no longer 
roam the streets 
homeless,

rejected 
and denied -

with no place to sleep,

and no sleep to reap 
deeply fulfilling dreams.

There are things that I saw 

that no one should ever have to witness seen.

There are words that I heard 

that no one should ever have to hear spoken.

Due to it all, life, my life -

this experience of living hell 

and questionable mental sanity -

I have blossomed –

flowered from a seed hiding, 

germinating, in the dirt,

into a woman forged of fortitude

to battle standing up 
the chaos of the world within,

and the world without.

I know I am foolish enough 
to always find a store of optimism,

to forgive everything
and wake up the next day, fully present,

having forgot the ruin 
and destruction of the past day before.

I know that I am a loving person,

and that each moment is an opportunity 

to redefine myself, to myself, for myself.

I know fully
that each day 
is an exercise in discovering - 

new ways to love myself,

no matter what…

and so the journey goes on -
until it ceases to exist…

My eternal I 
further ventures

into the wonderland 
of the bodiless soul of adventure -

I will never cease, 

nor desist, 

because without a doubt, 

I know I fully exist.

~~ Other People's Fingerprints ~~

 William F. Scolavino wrote;

“The height of your accomplishments

will equal the depth of your convictions.”

Photography by Karin Lisa Atkinson

by Karin Lisa Atkinson